This is where we are: A family of selfish, hyper-destructive idiot moon mutants have been forced against their will to go on vacation in Hawaii, which they insist on believing is a nightmare, despite the fact that everyone is super nice to them, and they’re having a wonderful time.
Yes, Ryan and I are still watching Inhumans, and we have a whole four-part podcast to prove it. This is part three, covering episodes 5 and 6, in which the royal family of the moon continue to bumble around Oahu, wrecking everything they see.
This is the point when the writers start trashing their entire premise, taking everything that we thought we knew about the main characters’ stupid civilization, and completely contradicting it without even really noticing that they’re doing it. The smartest character on the show turns out to be the beautiful surfer dude, and both Ryan and I somehow fall completely under his spell.
Nobody else gives you this kind of deep coverage of inconsequential failed superhero television shows, so check it out, and we’ll be back next week with the final installment!
Continue reading Inhumans 70b.3: Are We the Baddies?
Dig this: a family of rich, spoiled moon mutants are the rulers of an unstable and unsustainable civilization the size of Bitter Lick, Iowa, which is based on a clearly oppressive caste system in which poor people who don’t have superpowers are forced to spend their lives underground, digging with their fingernails to find crystals that will help the wealthy 1% turn their children into supermutants.
There is an inevitable and sorely-needed military coup, and the royal family’s college-age niece, in a panic, gets her magical teleporting dog to scatter the family around Oahu for some reason, where they instantly start breaking laws and assaulting people.
So the driving question of the series is: How do the people of Hawaii band together to contain this dangerous situation?
This is part 2 of our four-part Inhumans series on the Signal Watch podcast, where Ryan and I discuss episodes 3 and 4 of this fascinating and absorbing series. Like the series itself, we’re probably shedding half of our audience with every episode, so please take a listen, because we do not want to be left alone with this television show.
Continue reading Inhumans 70b.2: I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon
Marvel’s Inhumans is a 2017 TV show about a family of rich, spoiled moon mutants who make every situation they walk into immeasurably worse. It’s got a lead character who can’t talk and can’t use his superpowers, ruling a doomed moon kingdom the size of an average urban high school built on an unnecessary slave caste system. After a completely understandable coup topples this corrupt regime, Black Bolt and his chuckleheaded family end up scattered around Honolulu, where they break laws, injure people and destroy everything that they come into contact with.
I was part of the select group of people who actually watched all eight episodes on ABC five years ago, and now I finally get my chance to tell people everything that is wrong with this ridiculous show. This is the first part of a thrilling series on the Signal Watch podcast where host Ryan Stearns and I watch two episodes of Inhumans, and tell you all about the experience.
In the first podcast, we discuss episodes 1 and 2, including the boring sets, the insane costumes, the Flintstones-style use of mutants as appliances — and why I believe that this terrible show inspired the Encanto gift ceremony.
Inhumans is available on Disney+ if you want to watch the episodes before you listen to the podcast, but it’s not required.
Continue reading Inhumans 70b.1: Welcome to the Family Madrigal
I know that it sounds impossible. Elektra is a terrible movie, you would say, and you would be one hundred percent correct. If you listened to the first part of our two-part Elektra episode on the Signal Watch podcast, you learned exactly how terrible the first half of the movie is.
And yet — here in part 2 — I will give you four very good reasons to watch the final battle sequence from Elektra, and when you do, it will make you happy, and your life will be improved.
So catch our latest episode to learn all about flying electric snakes, ninja boardroom meetings, blind pool hustlers, the most ridiculous explosion ever filmed, and what you should consider when running away from lunatic ninja wizards.
Continue reading Elektra 25.2: This Will Make You Happy
We always knew that it was our destiny… The day would come when Ryan Stearns of the Signal Watch and I would face our fears, and record a podcast episode about Elektra, the utterly failed 2005 sequel to the Ben Affleck Daredevil movie.
Join us for our two-part adventure as we discuss this spiritual sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, where we talk about career criminals who don’t understand the concept of evidence, ninjas that burst into green powder when they die, and why you actually want to hear the “schwing” sound when someone pulls a knife on you.
I think this is our funniest episode so far, plus I now have an actual microphone, so you can hear me properly. Come check it out!
Continue reading Elektra 25.1: Go Ninja Go Ninja Go
Like Matt Murdock and his down-and-out boxer dad, Ryan Steans and I made a promise to never give up. Of course, that didn’t work out very well for Matt’s dad, but I’m sure it’ll be fine for us.
Our goal is to seek justice one way or another, specifically by watching the pre-MCU Marvel movies and doing funny podcast episodes about how terrible they are. This time, we’re discussing Daredevil, the 2003 Ben Affleck effort about a blind lawyer who believes in justice so hard that he’s willing to kill as many people as it takes to achieve it.
Join us as we ask the tough questions: How does Matt smell that someone is pretty, all the way outside and down the street? Why does he think the death penalty is an appropriate punishment for being smug? How does Bullseye get away with killing people in broad daylight while he’s showing off his unbelievably distinguishing mark? And most importantly: does Daredevil provide any useful service?
Continue reading Daredevil 18.1: Literally the Poor Man’s Batman
Once again, I’m taking my life in my hands, performing the incredible daredevil feat of getting drunk and talking about terrible non-MCU Marvel movies on the Signal Watch podcast. This time, host Ryan Steans and I take apart the 2007 Nicolas Cage barnburner Ghost Rider, the first movie ever filmed entirely on the side of a guy’s van.
This movie has — 18 second pause — everything, if you like people who drive fast and talk slow. Nicolas Cage plays a mentally-uncertain motorcycle riding daredevil, who sells his soul to the Devil for a bag of magic beans and turns into a flaming-skull CGI desktop screensaver, battling a cadre of mean demons and that one guy who tried to steal a girl’s purse.
So please join us as we discuss Ninja Turtles, haunted electricity, soap opera devils, a strangely non-sexy shirtless dude scene, and — most shocking of all — the terrible truth about Eva Mendes’ feet.
Continue reading Ghost Rider 31.1: We Are Going to Have to Stop Finding Things Cool
So now I’ve got a new hobby/mission in life, which is to get really drunk and trash-talk all the terrible non-MCU Marvel movies on the film podcast The Signal Watch. In the latest episode, host Ryan Steans and I venture into the spooky haunted hospital of The New Mutants, the 2020 X-Men movie that you keep wondering if you should get around to watching at some point.
This is the story of five X-Teens trapped in a sinister prison orphanage mental hospital, unable to escape despite the fact that they are magnificent supermutants who could easily use their powers to wreck the place and run away. It’s the film that dares to tell the truth about how many bears there are inside you, and gives you step-by-step instructions on how to not do whatever the hell the spooky doctor who runs the institution is trying to achieve.
This movie has everything, including scolding therapy, hand puppets, lesbian romance, tambourines, a breathtakingly gorgeous naked dude, solitary confinement that looks exactly like their regular confinement, an inefficient email system, a guy who won’t shut up about working in the mines with his dad, and a cast of six annoying characters who fail at literally everything that they try to do.
Please come and join us on this adventure, because seriously we don’t want to be left alone with this movie.
Continue reading The New Mutants 86.1: Control Control Control Control Control and Control
In the first half of my Fantastic Four adventure on The Signal Watch Podcast, we discussed the 2005 Fantastic Four movie, and here in Part 2, we talk about the 2015 reboot, which is seriously just as bad as everybody said it was.
This objectively terrible movie shows the FF as nobody wanted to see them: deeply unhappy government assets, who are locked up in a secret underground bunker and despise each other.
But you can sit back and enjoy the schadenfreude as Ryan and I tear apart all of the decisions that director Josh Trank and the incompetent studio execs made, as they desperately tried to land this film. Body horror! A completely unnecessary CGI chimp! Finding a clearly dangerous and unstable form of energy in an unknown dimension, and sticking your hand in it! And the two words you must never say to anyone who has seen this movie: Pattern recognition!
Continue reading The Fantastic Four 60.1: Fun with the Fantastic Four, part 2
People sometimes ask, if I’m writing about superhero movies in such painstaking detail, how am I ever going to get to the later movies?
Well, this is one way: going on other people’s podcasts to talk about them! This week, I’m the guest on a 2-part episode of The Signal Watch Podcast, comparing the 2005 Fantastic Four movie and the 2015 Fantastic Four movie.
In the first episode, we cover various important questions, like: How does something sneak up on you in space? How does being invisible help you push your way through a crowd? Is the internet perverted enough to help Ben Grimm get a date? and Why is Johnny Storm basically a Ninja Turtle?
Continue reading Fantastic Four 28.1: Fun with the Fantastic Four, part 1