I suppose that now is as good a time as any to start assigning blame.
We’re currently thirty minutes into a ninety-minute Swamp Thing movie, which means it’s time for them to stop dicking around with opossums and go ahead and show us Swamp Thing. So here he is in long shot, emerging from the mire to bang on a boat, and save the day.
You don’t see a lot of him, right away. A muscular green arm grabs the bad guy’s head, and throws him off the boat. Then there’s a shot of the monster hitting the boat and turning it over, and then we see him from behind, carrying an unconscious Cable out of the danger zone.
So you know how sometimes in monster movies you only get to see little pieces of the monster — a fang, a claw, a tentacle or two — because they want to save the thrilling reveal for later in the film? Yeah, that’s not what’s happening right now.
This isn’t whetting our appetite. It’s managing our expectations.
Continue reading Swamp Thing 3.16: Suiting Up
It was silly of me, I suppose, to hope that a follow-up to WandaVision, Loki and Spider-Man: No Way Home would be anything but disappointing; I just didn’t expect it to be as disappointing as this. I guess sometimes green means stop.
Continue reading Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness 96.1: Everything Somewhere
Once again, I’m taking my life in my hands, performing the incredible daredevil feat of getting drunk and talking about terrible non-MCU Marvel movies on the Signal Watch podcast. This time, host Ryan Steans and I take apart the 2007 Nicolas Cage barnburner Ghost Rider, the first movie ever filmed entirely on the side of a guy’s van.
This movie has — 18 second pause — everything, if you like people who drive fast and talk slow. Nicolas Cage plays a mentally-uncertain motorcycle riding daredevil, who sells his soul to the Devil for a bag of magic beans and turns into a flaming-skull CGI desktop screensaver, battling a cadre of mean demons and that one guy who tried to steal a girl’s purse.
So please join us as we discuss Ninja Turtles, haunted electricity, soap opera devils, a strangely non-sexy shirtless dude scene, and — most shocking of all — the terrible truth about Eva Mendes’ feet.
Continue reading Ghost Rider 31.1: We Are Going to Have to Stop Finding Things Cool
It’s dynamite. Five sticks of it. And he’s maybe eighteen inches away from it when it explodes.
The combined effects of the blast and the reflex muscles in his legs propel him through the door and into the swamp…
… but Alec Holland is already dead.
Continue reading Swamp Thing 3.15: Feel the Burn