Category Archives: Superman II

Superman II 2.36: The Do-Over

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They could not have been more clear about this.

“Once exposed to these rays,” Lara said, “all your great powers on Earth will disappear forever.” He said he was okay with that. “But consider,” she said, “once it is done, there is no return.” He did it anyway.

And now here he is at customer service, with his receipt for one slightly used mortality, and he’s asking to speak to the manager. He’s got a green crystal powered by pure narrativium, which comes with an “all his great powers”-back guarantee.

So now I don’t know who to trust. What else did the crystal machine lie to him about? Next, you’re going to tell me that you’ve seen a poem lovely as a tree.

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Superman II 2.35: Mainly About Hot Dogs

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Well, after centuries of stories assuring us that sacrificing something for true love is admirable and worthwhile, we finally have a movie that begs to differ.

Superman II tells us that making sacrifices for love is selfish, and it benefits bullies who try to take over the world. That’s why there are so many bullies currently running things. People need to keep that in mind.

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Superman II 2.33: Who You Callin’ Kleenex?

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You have to be careful with stories, especially the big mythological ones.

If you leave them sitting around in people’s brains for long enough, stories become ideas, and then ideas become attitudes, which become worldviews. And that’s not a linear process, obviously. Your attitudes affect how you interpret stories, and how you choose the kinds of stories you’re interested in engaging with.

At a certain point, you’re not telling stories anymore. The stories are telling you.

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Superman II 2.32: Mama Don’t Preach

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Man, don’t turn your back on Superman during date night is the lesson of the day. After their champagne dinner at the Fortress of Not As Much Solitude As Usual, Lois excuses herself to change into something more comfortable, and I can’t imagine what that means, since she’s never been here before and they didn’t arrive with luggage.

But while she’s out of the room, Superman takes the opportunity to call his mom and tell her that he’s quitting his job, which is probably something that he and Lois should have discussed first.

“If this is what you wish,” Lara tells him, based on a procedurally-generated AI conversation from the distant past, “if you intend to live your life with a mortal — you must live as a mortal. You must become one of them.”

So I’ve got a question that I’m not sure they’ve considered: How come?

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Superman II 2.30: The King of Chickens

Superman II,

The bar is destroyed, the Jeep is unsalvageable, the meth lab in the barn exploded, and the business district will never be the same. Still, there’s one demographic in East Houston that seems to be pleased with the current trend of events: the chickens.

“Come forward!” Ursa proclaims. (cluck cluck cluck) “Your general (cluck cluck) wishes to speak.”

“I am (cluck cluck) General Zod, your ruler!” says the suzerain. “Yes!” (cluck cluck) “Today begins a new order! Your lands, your possessions, your very lives will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience, you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words, you will be allowed to live!” (cluck cluck cluck)

That’s got to be the thing that appeals to the poultry voting bloc — the promise that if they’re obedient, they’ll be allowed to live. That’s a better deal than chickens usually get.

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Superman II 2.29: Home, and Other Dangerous Places

Superman II,

You know, they say most accidents happen in the home, and that’s even more true for Superman, because his house is a slippery Arendelle ice castle with huge holes in the floor that act as an unwanted houseguest disposal feature. It’s a nice place to visit, but you have to watch your step or else you’ll tumble into an eternal abyss. Also, there’s no place to sit down.

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Superman II 2.27: Think Globally, Kill Locally

Superman II,

Well, this is going to put quite the crimp in the East Houston Cultural Arts and Ballet Festival coming up in a couple weeks. The orchestra is currently on fire, the dance studio no longer exists, and the recital hall has half of a burning helicopter in it. We’re going to have to cancel the Poetry Slam, and we won’t have time to dedicate the new wing of the East Houston Public Library, even if we manage to dig it out from under the rubble. This is going to set the local art scene back like you wouldn’t believe.

I’m kidding, of course; the population of East Houston, Idaho consists entirely of leering comedy hillbillies, and that’s why it’s okay to murder them and demolish their shitty business district.

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