Superman II 2.38: A List of Things That Our Kryptonian Overlords Don’t Care About

#1. Focus groups.

Obviously, “Kneel Before Zod” is going to be the main theme of our re-education program, as we transition to a fully Zod-based society. It’s a simple message of global submission that everyone can understand. However, it’s not testing as well with all demographics, especially the elderly and the injured, who are having trouble getting into the correct kneeling position. It’s important to pay attention to the injured demographic, because there are a lot more of them now than there used to be.

#2. Storage facilities.

Everyone has been notified that their lands, their possessions and their very lives will gladly be given in tribute to General Zod, and overall compliance is very strong. However, things have gotten backed up at many of the possession redistribution centers. One of the problems is that the trucks which are carrying the possessions are also technically possessions themselves, so when those are gladly given in tribute to General Zod, it makes it difficult to move the rest of the surrendered possessions around.

We also haven’t established yet where the possessions that are gladly being given should actually gladly go. There was an early rush to pile them up on the lawn of the White House, but that site is now quite full, and since this is 1981, it’s mostly Rubik’s Cubes. Staff have issued fliers explaining that the General now has all of the Rubik’s Cubes that he needs, and the surplus is being diverted to other storage facilities around the Washington, D.C. area. A special commission has been set up to investigate further short-term storage options.

#3. Your puerile, mewling excuses.

General Zod’s daily briefings on the progress of global submission to his will are delivered each morning by an expendable member of the staff. Zod is mainly interested in maps and pie charts that represent his authority and control over the Earth people, on land and under the sea. (A misunderstanding in one of the early briefings left the General with the idea that there is a population of Earth people who live underwater, and now he asks every day for an update on the progress of his domination over the sea people.)

The tricky part of the briefing is when he asks whether we have discovered where the Son of Jor-El is hiding. We have not yet determined a satisfying answer to this question.

#4. The weak.

It’s assumed that at some point we should start killing the weak, who aren’t worthy to participate in the glorious new world of our Kryptonian overlords. However, many of the weak are doing useful weak-accessible jobs, which the strong don’t want to do. There’s been a lot of discussion about this. It would be good to get some clarity on the issue, because the weak are naturally quite anxious about it.

#5. Engagement metrics.

The communications team has been providing audio and video content to the media when General Zod has a new message for the people, but this is released on an erratic schedule based on the General’s current focus. On Tuesday, Zod’s speech about the world uniting under the common goal of marching proudly together in the New Order received blanket coverage across the world on all channels, with very high viewership numbers, even after several subsequent repeats.

However, on Wednesday, a request from the communications team for fresh content was not well-received. The General would like it to be known that, in his words, “I am not one of your Earth influencers.” The team is currently brainstorming alternatives.

#6. Arts funding.

One of the primary avenues for the expression of local submission to General Zod’s rule is the building of statues to memorialize our Kryptonian overlords and their generous rule over all things. To encourage local arts communities to participate, a scheme was proposed to provide grants for design competitions. The proposal was incinerated, and we will not be moving forward with this project.

#7. This puny planet.

The entertainment industry has been organizing spectacles and television shows that they hope will amuse our great captors, because we’ve found that when they get bored, they tend to fly around and set things on fire. So far, the one surefire hit has been The Army Apology Hour, in which individual members of the armed forces say that they’re sorry for attempting to resist Kryptonian rule in the early hours of their benevolent reign.

Other programs have not met with success. We had high hopes for a late night celebrity talk show called We Abase Ourselves Before You, Mighty Zod and a live gladiator arena show called Is There No One on the Planet to Even Challenge Me, but they did not meet with executive approval.

The real difficulty in this area — and indeed on most issues that have come up during this glorious era — is that our faultless leaders tend to communicate with Earth creatures mostly through arched eyebrows and heat vision, so we’re not entirely sure what they want. Honestly, we’re starting to wonder why they even subjugated us in the first place.

Heading out once more to Syd Field,
to criticize the film’s structure…
2.39: Lost in Place

Movie list

— Danny Horn

17 thoughts on “Superman II 2.38: A List of Things That Our Kryptonian Overlords Don’t Care About

  1. RE: The photo showing the Army 3-star(?) Lieutenant General, which also shows the destruction of East Houston, Idaho. I think the actor who played the Lieutenant General here also played one of the Army Intelligence agents in 1981’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark” – he was the one agent who appeared somewhat dismayed when Indie was telling the FBI agents about the Ark of the Covenant and Indie had asked them, “Didn’t either of you guys go to Sunday School?” According to Indiana Jones fandom wiki, that actor was Don Fellows, and his “Raiders” character was Musgrove. Just an interesting side-note. FYI.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Comics and pulp serials are truly the gifts that keep giving, at least as far as small roles for character actors are concerned.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s so much easier when the alien invaders have a plan ready to go. Why go to the bother of conquering the Earth without a plan for what happens next? They should have brought along their own bureaucrats. Inexcusable lack of planning.

    Also cookbooks. How can we prepare victory banquets for them without recipes?

    And flying cars. They’ve gotta have some flying cars. We’ve been waiting so long for flying cars.

    And dictionaries. We need to learn their language, don’t we? Even though they’re the only people in the universe who speak Krypto.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s like cooking for one of those insufferable people who’ve just decided they’re allergic to everything they’ve been eating their entire lives up until now. Mind, they haven’t had any medical tests or experienced any symptoms or anything, but really, gluten is the source of all sin and pain in the universe.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I believe there was an attempt to create a sitcom, “I Love Subjugation”, but the studio (along with a sizable section of Burbank) was vaporized after the first episode’s release.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. It’s a pity that THAT’S MY ZOD, the animated sitcom that tried to show the funny, lovable side of the general, didn’t last very long. But at least it gave us the spin-off EVERYBODY LOVES NON.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. There’s an episode of Legends of Tomorrow season 5 about this very thing. The Fates take over the world, and reshape reality so that everyone thinks they’ve always been in charge. This involves trapping our heroes in propaganda-heavy TV shows that talk about how benevolent and caring the fates are.

      What a silly, ridiculous show. I love it so much.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Agreed! I love that show so much! That the (ahem) lackluster first season could have turned into something so glorious is a miracle.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My wife and I stopped watching after the first season and didn’t come back for 3 years, by which point so many people insisted that it had gotten good. They were all correct!


  5. The upset politician/show host where “you’re fired!” is literal!

    “we’re starting to wonder why they even subjugated us in the first place.”
    Like we talked about before… it’s just what they do.
    Yeah, you take some folks condemned for trying to overthrow our reasonable way of life. Give ’em another chance, and there they are overthrowing again. With no reasonable new way of life.

    Funny snark on this one, Danny and others!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Zod and his two boy/girl army are the WORST kind of guest–basically a trio of bored, insufferable teens with all the powers a bored, insufferable teen could ever want but none of the critical thinking skills or long range planning ability.

    All they do is sit around the Oval Office, sulking and setting fire to the Resolute Desk and moaning about how nothing’s a challenge. You suggest a nice sightseeing tour of monuments to deface or destroy, and they go on about how they’ve done that already and it was boring the FIRST time and you just don’t get them at all. You arrange a mass demonstration of abasement and kneeling on the Mall and all they do is zap the cherry trees into kindling and fling housewives and executives around like rag dolls, then stomp off to smoke in the
    Rose Garden.

    Honestly, at this point, only boring people are bored, Zod.

    Liked by 5 people

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