Now, the first thing that I’d like to point out is that Superman III is extremely judgmental about the consumption of alcohol for the purposes of adult refreshment.

It’s something that only the baddies do, and they do it performatively to show how bad they are. At the beginning of the seduction-of-the-innocent sequence, Webster makes a big show of accessing his enormous in-office liquor cabinet, and giving Gus a drink. Later, Gus uses Brad’s interest in thirst-quenching beverages to gain access to the company computer. And what is the last straw for Dark Superman, when you know that he’s really gone rotten? He goes to a bar and has a drink.

So I think that’s important context to establish, before I present my analysis of the film’s anti-Brad agenda.

Brad Wilson — former football hero, current single guy with a steady job — does drink alcohol at several points in the movie, guilty as charged. He also briefly puts his arm around Lana during the reunion scene, in a way that she is clearly uncomfortable with. That is a bad thing that men should not do.

But, hear me out on this: I am not convinced that Brad is the worst person in this picture.

Take away the anti-alcohol bias, and what do we know about Brad?

Well, for starters, he’s not lying about who he is or leading a double life, like some people I could mention. After high school, he didn’t run off to a polar icecap and inherit supernatural powers. Brad stayed in his hometown, like a normal person, and he got a job, and he pined for the girl that he loved.

Sure, when we first see him, he’s bragging to somebody about an old football game, but if you want to talk about a show-off, then we should start with the guy who flies around in the sky wearing a bright red-and-blue circus outfit.

We also know that Brad has real feelings for Lana, which he expresses consistently throughout the movie, as opposed to the guy who parachutes in and hands her a lot of big talk, and then scuttles back to the city to write newspaper articles about her.

In the movie taking place in Brad’s mind, he knew that Lana had married the wrong man. Donald — the King of the Prom — was going to let her down, which he did, leaving her flat with a young kid to raise. And now that Donald is out of the picture, the high school reunion would be the perfect time for Brad to reconnect with Lana, and tell her how he feels. Unlike the other jerks in town, Brad doesn’t mind that Lana comes with strings attached; he’s willing to raise Ricky as a stepson. He just needs her to give him a break for a minute, and maybe she’ll see that the right guy for her has been standing here all this time, quietly hiccuping.

And when lying boasting coward runaway Clark Kent suddenly shows up in a spotless white tuxedo to sweep Lana away, does Brad try to grab her, or fight with Clark for her? Of course not. She’s made her choice, at least for tonight, and he just stands there looking sad. And yeah, he has another drink. Who wouldn’t?

And consider this, from the next sequence, when Clark is helping Lana to clean up after the dance:

Lana:  Thanks for helping me out!

Clark:  Are you kidding, Lana? A lot of guys would like to be where I am.

Lana:  Ha. You’d be surprised how many offers I didn’t get. Even Brad wouldn’t stick around for this!

Reflect on that line for a moment. “Even Brad wouldn’t stick around for this!” implies that Brad would ordinarily stick around and help Lana, and this moment is the exception.

And why didn’t Brad stick around this time? Because you-know-who is monopolizing the attention of the woman that he loves.

And then there’s the bowling scene, which I mentioned a couple posts ago that we’d come back and examine. In this sequence, Lana has taken her utterly hopeless son Ricky to the bowling alley, even though he can’t bowl and the other kids don’t want to play with him. And Clark’s there too, for I guess journalistic reasons.

The scene begins with the kids grudgingly accepting Ricky in their game.

Lana:  I just can’t stand this.

Clark:  Oh, Lana, he’ll be okay. Believe me, I know — I was a late bloomer myself.

Lana:  It’s not just that he’s small for his age. How’d you like to be the only kid in town without a father?

(Brad peels himself away from the bar, and starts climbing over the chairs to reach them.)

Lana:  Oh, look — stewed to the gills in the middle of the afternoon.

Clark:  Gee, all he had was chocolate milk.

Lara:  No, I mean him.

Brad:  Hey, sweet thing! Little kid getting hassled, huh? Kent, you still here?

Clark:  Well, I seem to be, Brad.

Brad:  All the kid needs is a couple pointers from the ol’ champ here. Kent, I bet you didn’t know I won the all-country bowling championship two years in a row.

Clark:  Gee, I didn’t know that, Brad.

Brad:  Yeah. A natural athlete can play any sport.

(Brad walks toward Ricky, as he prepares to take his shot.)

Lana:  Brad, you’re just going to make it worse!

Clark:  It’s all right, Lana — he’ll be okay.

(Ricky is not okay. Rick sucks at this. The children jeer.)

Clark:  You watch, he’ll get a spare! C’mon, Ricky!

(Brad approaches, and takes Ricky’s ball.)

Brad:  Hey, kid — look, you’re holding it all wrong. Let ol’ Brad show you how it’s done.

(Clark gets involved.)

Clark:  Uh, Brad? Say, Brad, I think maybe he’ll be better off doing it his way.

Brad:  Well, for a guy who was lucky to be waterboy in the high school team, you sure got a big mouth, Kent.

Clark:  Well, I just think that maybe Ricky doesn’t need a bowling lesson in front of all the other kids.

Brad:  He needs a man to show ‘im!

Clark:  I think he’s doing just fine on his own. ‘Scuse me.

(Clark takes the ball away from Brad.)

Clark:  Here you go, Ricky. And give it your best shot. Okay! There you go.

And then Clark uses his secret magical powers to make Ricky believe that he bowled competently.

So here’s my objection: Brad was actually helping Ricky. Not helping him cheat, the way that Clark does, but actually helping him to improve at the thing that he’s trying to do.

The way that Brad expresses himself is not in line with modern enlightened thought — “He needs a man to show him!” — but you have to admit that Ricky is desperately in need of another caregiver. Lana has been raising Ricky by herself since he was three, and look what an utter mess of a child he’s become.

And here is Brad, displaying a sincere interest in Lana and her family. Brad is clearly demonstrating that he would like to be a positive figure in Ricky’s life.

You’ll notice that once again, when Clark grabs something out of Brad’s hands and pushes him aside, Brad does not react with anger. He just allows it to happen, because he doesn’t want to make a scene, and he’s not a bad person.

Yes, again he does the unwelcome shoulder-grabbing of Lana, which is not excusable and I do not excuse it. And yes, he cracks some jokes at Clark’s expense, which I will excuse, on account of Clark continuing to hang around poisoning Brad’s potential relationship with the woman that he has longed for all these years.

As far as Brad’s weekend afternoon buzz is concerned, if you don’t hold the Prohibition-era view of alchohol as a moral evil, then one might observe that it’s common for adults to drink beer at a bowling alley. That’s why there’s a bar there. Honestly, the film’s goody two-shoes idea that you’re not supposed to drink at social functions is shared by pretty much no one.

I’m not saying that I think Brad and Lana should be together at the end of this movie. He’s an alcoholic, and he needs to quit it with the unwanted shoulder-squeezing. But if he went to meetings and did the 12 steps for a while, I think Lana could do worse than go on a date with a guy who actually loves her, and wants to take care of her family.

I mean, she could go and follow the guy who causes senseless property damage at a struggling local community recreation spot, in order to give a child a lifetime of confused expectations as he struggles to understand how he could have been so powerful once and only once in his life. She could even move to a dangerous city with high rent, bad schools and a rising crime rate, in the hopes of a relationship with a man who’s taken a secret permanent vow of extraterrestrial celibacy. That is an option that Lana is free to pursue.

I just wanted to put in a word for the guy who didn’t inherit enchanted space powers, currently holding down a shitty job and dreaming of something better.

Tomorrow:
Finally, a post about Lana
4.15: The Man Who Loved Mayonnaise

Chapters

— Danny Horn