Category Archives: Superman III

Superman III 4.32: The Game… and How to Play It

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Luke Skywalker (Jedi Knight Outfit), Princess Leia Organa (Boushh Disguise), Admiral Ackbar, Squid Head, Chief Chirpa, Logray (Ewok Medicine Man), Klaatu, Weequay, General Madine, Ree-Yees, Gamorrean Guard, Emperor’s Royal Guard, Rebel Commando, Biker Scout, Lando Calrissian (Skiff Guard Disguise), Bib Fortuna for fuck’s sake, and Nien Nunb.

That’s the list of 17 action figures that Kenner made in 1983 to tie-in with Return of the Jedi. There are at least four figures in that collection that don’t even have proper names; they’re just like “Rebel Commando” and “Biker Scout”, and Kenner expected people to buy them anyway, which we did.

You know who’s not on that list? Wicket W. Warrick, the cutest of an entirely cute species, an Ewok so adorable that they gave him a middle initial. Kenner didn’t release a Wicket action figure until 1984. That’s how confident they were, that they could keep Wicket in the tank, and hold onto him until next year.

Meanwhile, you know how many action figures they made for Superman III? Find out the answer after the jump.

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Superman III 4.31: The Other Worst Scene

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It was never going to be funny, of course. “Funny” is not the issue; we’ve moved beyond “funny” as a concept.

And yeah, it was always going to be offensive, and insulting to the audience, and generally off-putting. That is a matter of grim inevitability.

But at least it would have made some kind of motherfucking sense.

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Superman III 4.30: As the World Turns

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“Whoa, Dwight, slow down!” urges Morgan Edge, president of Galaxy Communications, to a high-school age visitor that he is inexplicably responsible for. “Kent may be smooth-as-vanilla on the air, but off-camera he’s no electric thrill!”

Dwight Decker is a member of his school’s journalism club, who’s traveled sixty miles to Metropolis for an interview with Clark Kent. He hasn’t tried to contact Clark before this; he just showed up at WGBS in the hope of grabbing a few minutes with his news idol.

“Mr. Kent — you and I need to rap!” Dwight cries, sighting his prey down the hall. But when he turns the corner, Mr. Kent has vanished, still unrapped. In the next issue, Dwight tries hanging around outside Clark’s apartment building, but is disappointed once again.

You may be wondering what role Dwight has to play in the ongoing saga of Superman’s comic book adventures. The answer is: none at all.

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Superman III 4.29: Kotzwinkle

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So, get a load of this.

“Excuse me… sorry…” Engrossed in thought, Clark had stumbled against a woman in the street. She looked at him in disgust. “Watch where you’re going, you four-eyed moron!”

That’s on the first page of William Kotzwinkle’s novelization of Superman III, and it doesn’t get a lot cheerier from there.

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Superman III 4.28: The Stokis Uprising

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The story so far: loveable loser, wind-up penguins, chaos in Calgary, Lois in Bermuda, casual attitude toward angels, uneaten potato salad, fake Art Deco, sackful of puppies, the bowling scene, half a soundtrack, and computers preventing people from relating to one another. Add six cups of comic relief, and stir.

It’s no wonder the Stokis family is barging in, demanding recompense. I feel exactly the same way.

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Superman III 4.27: The Funny Part

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Hapless hacker Gus Gorman has breached the firewall, and touched the face of God.

In a dimly-lit room, the machines are awakening, like a cavern of ancient dragons becoming aware of an intruder in their midst. He tames them, and brings them under his control. The ensorcelled computers mutter to each other, in their secret binary parseltongue. There are flashing lights, and whirring tape drives. A man has his finger on the ignition key of the world, and hacking is occurring.

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Superman III 4.25: Revenge of the Cowboys

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I knew that they were coming; I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

As you’ll no doubt recall, my introductory post for the blog discussed singing cowboys, an unaccountably popular film genre from the 30s and 40s that spawned dozens of movies per year, and then disappeared completely from the American public consciousness. The fate of the singing cowboys looms large over the history of superhero blockbusters, suggesting that even the most successful genres can be abandoned and forgotten.

The singing cowboys will be back one day, when comic-book stories are tired and played-out, to fight once again for their place in the pantheon. They are the existential threat just over the horizon, ready to pounce when the superheroes stumble.

And even here, the cowboys remind us that the eternal sequel is never assured.

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Superman III 4.23: Sure, the Picnic

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As students of the cinema will readily appreciate, the difference, auteur-wise, between the Donner-directed Superman movies and the Lester-directed Superman movies is that Richard Donner gave a shit and Richard Lester clearly did not.

That’s why the flying scenes in Superman III are so disappointing. In the original movie, Donner was willing to spend untold months and millions perfecting the technology, while Lester figured you could just put a shot of Christopher Reeve holding his arms out on top of a picture of the landscape, problem solved.

But if you really want to see the full extent of Lester’s that’ll-do pragmatism, just look at the pathetic little patch of weeds that he chose as the location of the film’s picnic scene.

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